040922
I'M IN LOVE! i'm so besotted with fox. for so long now it genuinely feels unreal.
i never want to escape. WE'RE DATING FOR EXACTLY ONE YEAR AND FOUR MONTHS (officially).
i can't believe it. she's the sweetest girlfriend i could have hoped for.
am i living a dream? i've loved her since february 2019, never thought i'd be able to
get that close to her but here we are.
041222
i had a crisis yesterday. i'm not sure of what, many hypothesis. my brain attacks me as soon as i'm left alone.
i'm untreated. what could they do anyway? i categorically refuse to be on any physical form of medication whatsoever
(especially the fucking antipsychotics), and i don't believe in therapy at all. it'd be useless for me.
i was on meds for a huge part of my life and they only worsened my perception.
the damage is done. it can't be morally correct to prescribe a child SSRIs. i believe there are other ways to treat depression.
i have normal eating habits, barely sleep but don't experience the slightest tiredness, don't drink or smoke anymore,
work out everyday, rarely cut myself & am able to manage the dysphoria by myself most of the time.
been thinking about sol a lot as of lately. i ♡ her a lot. i've never known her but i miss her terribly. may she have found peace up there.
041322
foremost it's exactly 6 in the morning. currently feeling abnormally excited. i have a psychiatrist & then dentist appointment to get braces
at around 12:30... like being ugly wasn't enough in itself i also have an overbite & crooked teeth. i'm 16 & will have to stand this treatment
for probably a while. besides, in june i have a military traineeship, they didn't specify the place yet, it's a surprise, but i believe
it'll be far. I HOPE it'll be in guyana or some such place. france is vast. i hate this fucking country. i hate living there, i need to get away.
my head hurts, hurts bad, always the same rushing thoughts & this feeling of being opressed from all sides.
wearing the necklace my gf offered me, i love her so much. it's undescriptible. unfathomable.
i have a german test at 8, to spice things up i haven't studied the slightest bit of what i was supposed to, as usual.
041422
доброе утро, я так хочу убить себя, что мне стыднcо за себя.
041722
03:40 : every day i get a tiny bit closer to just get semi-automatic shotguns and go on a killing spree. it gets terribly bad in my head. i'm in so much pain and i want to inflict it on others in any way possible, i want it to be as sharp as possible and i want to make this chaos count.